stop predicting the rain.

This morning, as I was sitting at the Mill with a new friend, we read today's gospel. In it Jesus says,

"When you see a cloud rising in the west you say immediately that it is going to rain--and so it does." 

     As I finished the reading, I didn't really think twice about what He meant by that. Then He goes on to say,

"You hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky; why do you not know how to interpret the present time?" 

      Oh, okay. I get you Jesus. It finally registers in my mind that the way we perceive things is most likely how they are going to be. If we "see the clouds coming" and expect rain, it's probably going to rain. However, if we perceive that it is going to be sunny, then the sun will probably come out. This is what I needed to hear right now in my life. The attitude and energy that I give off to the universe and have in certain situations is what is going to come back to me; whether that's school, work, friendships, or relationships.

     I've had such a negative, independent attitude towards all things love and relationships because of past wounds or scars (many of which I'm now realizing were caused by myself) that now every time God opens a door, I automatically expect the rain. I start to think of all the ways it's not going to work or what could go wrong that I fail to be present in that moment. Something I've realized (though some may say "duh Hannah") is that expecting rain isn't going to bring me sunshine. Yes, it's okay to acknowledge wounds and scars. However, acknowledging them doesn't mean giving them the power to control your life right now. I need to open our eyes to the fact that I'm not the only person out there who has scars and who is scared. Whether that may be a fear of the unknown future, or the fear of opening up and letting people into my heart to see those scars. Everyone is scared to some extent. Whether or not they want to admit it, everyone is scared to reveal their vulnerable side or their insecurities--and that's okay. We aren't meant to lay out our whole lives to everyone right when we meet them. However, something I've struggled with is striving for this perfect, "I-have-it-all-together" image that couldn't be farther from the truth.

     If we don't acknowledge that we are sinners and that we are actually incredibly flawed and imperfect, we're basically saying that Christ's Passion and Death were for nothing. If we aren't sinners, He came for nothing.

    Although the hardest thing in the world is to admit that we're wrong, that is the exact thing that is going to allow us to open ourselves up to not only Christ, but to others. And once we start allowing others to see the REAL us and not the image of who we want them to think we are, is when we will be able to recognize and be grateful for all the doors God has been opening up all along.



Sometimes the rain comes even when we don't see the clouds up ahead. But the worst thing we can do to ourselves is think that we are alone. Look around you; someone is waiting for your sunshine.

one year later...

On July 9, 2013, I packed up one backpack and set off with a group of strangers to three countries I knew nothing about. At the time, I was excited on the surface but deep down scared out of my mind at what God was going to ask of me on this trip. Not only was I scared of what He was going to ask of me on the trip, but I was even more scared about how it would change my life after the fact--because I knew from here on out everything was going to be different. I wasn't going to be able to plan out my life according to how I wanted it to be, nor was I going to be able to suppress the inherent Light inside me that God had been trying to use for 21 years.

After many, many months of trying to make this blog post perfect in a way that will describe somewhat how life-changing this experience was, this is what came of it.

Warning: My heart and soul is going to be poured out during this blog post so if you aren't ready for that, you might want to stop reading. 

 The first way (of many) ways that God showed me His infinite power on this trip was through the fundraising process. In a small amount of time, I was to raise $3,800. When He made the financial aspect of the trip happen through the many, many angels I have surrounding me, I came to the realization that this trip wasn't about me. No, No..it was way, way more than that. Christianity and Catholicism is a radical life of giving of yourself to every single person you come into contact with; it's a way of life. And God was asking us to give up the comfort of our country, our homes, our own food, and all of the physical pleasures we experience on a daily basis to do just that--bring His Light and His Life to the people of Singapore, Malaysia and the Philippines. 

Bring It On

Even before we left the United States, I met literal angels helping us get to where we needed to go along the way. Alissa and I had a woman who flew with us from Omaha to LA hold a plane in Houston until we were able to run across...no no...sprint across the airport to catch the plane. She told all of the flight attendants that the plan couldn't leave until we got there. I'm not sure where that LA school teacher is now, but wherever you are--thank you. 

Looking back on all of our experiences, the people, the country, it changed something inside of me. At the time, I was just living each day and asking God for the strength to make it through that single day. I had zero control over anything that was going to happen and I was in a situation that I could not get out of. Although it may not have been the air-conditioned, running-water, bug-free house that I'm living in now, I found peace knowing that I was just fine without all of those things. There are times that I make a big deal out of a single spider until I realize one year ago I was sleeping under a mosquito net and praying in a room with flying cockroaches. Yet, the peace in my heart and in all of our hearts, was indescribable. 

There are a million and one things I miss about Malaysia, Singapore and the Philippines. I miss the friendships I made with all of the students, I miss the strange food (however, I don't miss the pig tongue), I miss the kids that changed my life forever. But most importantly, I miss the prayer. The Divine link that connected us to each other and to God through prayer and daily mass was so short that I took every single thing to God and prayed to Him about it--my struggles, the blessings, the future, everything. And despite doing that for a month straight, it is one of the hardest things in my life right now. Praying is the same, but it doesn't feel the same because of all of the distractions: cell phones, Facebook, school, relationships, etc, etc. 

After looking at all of the pictures from the trip again, I wanted to share with you all some of my favorite ones and tell you how it impacted me. 

                           

                                                           Hermosa Beach, California

"Jesus sent out these twelve after instructing them this, 'Do not go into pagan territory. Go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.' Behold, I am sending you like sheep among wolves." 

Matthew 10:5-16

I could not have asked for a better group of people to have experienced this trip with. I remember thinking right after I got off the phone interview with Frank-o that I was so excited to share something so special with a group of strangers. Although we haven't kept in touch, I want y'all to know that each of you hold a special place in my heart. I hope that this corrupt, crazy, American world and lifestyle doesn't change what God instilled in each of our hearts one year ago. You are each such a light in the lives of the people around you and I want to personally thank you each for impacting me in such a profound way.

My darling Dhea

Although you may have already forgotten us, your smile hasn't left our hearts. The joy you brought every single day to my life made it easy to wake up in the morning and face the day. I never saw Dhea without a smile on her face. In the morning, she would run over as fast as she could and jump on your lap and not get off. She would jump and flip and never stop smiling or laughing or dancing. I miss this darling girl, but I cannot wait to see her smiling face in Heaven one day. 

John Paul 

The first work day in the Philippines, we met John Paul. He was probably a 9 year old boy who couldn't get enough of us. He even came to mass with us a couple times! Whenever we would work, he would work with us doing whatever it was we were doing. He looked up to the guys in our group like a son looked up to his father. It was so cool to see the guys pray with him and love him unconditionally and he respected them so much. John Paul, wherever you are, I miss you. Your tears on the last day weren't a result of the time we spent with you, but were the result of God shining down His love upon you through the men in our group. Praise God for all the guys in our group who touched JP's life in ways they can't imagine. 

Sacrifice

This picture is just one of many pictures that shows the sacrifice that we went through. This is probably the least amount of sacrifice a picture could show, however it is a pretty good picture of how our trip went. One of the things our trip leader said was that you can't just be flexible on this trip, you have to be liquid. Things are going to be thrown at us that weren't planned or totally out of the blue and we just have to say "okay" and do it. The van rides one of many ways we gave up our comfort zones (quite literally) and threw our guards down as a group. We let God form us together and we became so close (physically and spiritually.) It was never a dull moment in these vans, especially when Julian was driving. Thank you Jesus we're alive. ;)

Gigi 

Our Lady of Perpetual Help 

My angel

The gang

And last but not least.....

My beautiful Abai 

I met Abai the second or third day we were in the village. She was always quiet and never said a word, but she had this smile on her face that was literally from an angel. Whenever she would come sit on my lap, she would always just rest her head on my chest and sit there. I never wanted to let her go. She was so little and perfect and it felt like I was holding an angel in my lap. The whole time we were there, I had a rosary that I had made by my friend Julia and had it for over a year. It was always on my wrist and I never took it off. While we were in the Philippines, all of the children always had rosaries around their necks besides Abai. You could see on her face that she wanted one but would always just smile at the other children playing with theirs. I decided that I wanted to leave something with Abai and so I gave her my rosary to have. 

Beautiful girl, I hope you grow up to be whatever your heart desires. You were such an angel to me and I miss you every single day. Know that I love you and hope that smile of yours never goes away. 

So to all of the people out there who think that mission trips are merely made by white, American girls trying to get a new profile picture--I want to respectfully tell you that you couldn't be more wrong. Did I change my profile picture? Yes. Did I go because I needed a radical change in my life? Absolutely. Did God call me to go out and serve His people even though two weeks won't change their physical situation at all? You bet. If your argument against mission trips is that we are actually hurting them and not helping them, I beg to differ. We may not have built an entire house with our bare hands. We didn't bring them out of poverty or drastically change their physical situation at all. However, I ask you to look beyond the physical ramifications of a mission trip because, in reality, that's not what mission trips are (or should be) about. This trip wasn't about me. It wasn't about my profile picture changing or making me feel better about myself because I got to give a kid in the Philippines a hug. This trip was about Christ--as is everything in life. 

Something I struggled with as I came back to my everyday life was wondering if these kids would forget about us. The devil got in my head and told me night and day that what we did and what we brought to them wasn't useless. What I didn't realize at the time though, was that we are not their savior. We cannot protect them or make sure they have dinner or change their lives at all. But God can. Just like I cannot control my life, I cannot be a savior to these kids. But if through me they saw the Light, if through me they felt loved and appreciated and happy, then it was 100% worth it. Maybe they will forget me, maybe they already have. But I will never, ever forget them. 

the sweet, sweet arrow.

Human beings amaze me. Their compassion, their support, their beauty--it has all just amazed me. And although many of us expect humans to be nice to each other, that's obviously not always the case. I'm actually not really sure what I expected to meet when I got down here to good 'ole Texas. I was expecting a summer of solitude and self-exploration and frankly, just being alone (which was oddly okay with me.) However, the second I got down here I had a plethora of people asking me to hang out, go to the bars with them, go shopping, go to baseball games, etc. They brought me in and made me feel like I was a part of the group and it made the transition so much easier and way more fun. And let me just tell you that Texans might even be *dare I say* nicer then Nebraskans. (Keyword: might.)

anyways...

For the past three years in college, I've surrounded myself with the most amazing and incredible people. They are people who love beyond limits, would drop anything to be with you when you can't seem to pick yourself up out of bed, and go on Sonic runs (or Jimmy Johns) in the middle of the night just cause. And having these people around me has made me realize how important it is to spend your time and energy with people who love you no matter what and who will be there no matter what. There are people in my life who I have given way too much credit and energy to who are undeserving of it. Isn't it funny that we have so many people who love us in the world, yet we focus our energy on the few who don't? Why the heck do we do that? Seriously though...will someone please tell me. Love them, yes. But I'm vowing to no longer waste energy on people who....well..shitty.

I read a blog the other day and it helped me to realize that happiness isn't an object to attain. So many people think that once they "get happy" or "get happiness" but really that isn't what it is about at all. Happiness is inside of you, however cliché that sounds. No one can give you happiness. So stop thinking that is going to come from someone else.

A couple of months ago, I got an arrow tattooed on my side with my sister. At first, it was a reminder to myself to keep moving forward no matter what. However, being away it has kind of taught me something else. Yes, it points forward. But in reality, it points to the place I've come from as well as the place that I'm going. Wherever the hell that is. It points to the people who support me no matter what, even when I pick up and decide to move to Texas. It points to the people who never get sick of having to remind me that everything is going to be okay.


This blog was all over the place and I apologize for that. But, if you're reading this far that means you must have found something worthwhile in it and for that I am thankful. Know that I am praying for y'all and keep this wandering soul in your prayers as well.

The Pill Actually Sucks.

Many, many women in our generation are currently taking a little white pill labeled “The Birth Control Pill.” If you are reading this and are one of these women, in no way, shape or form is this article supposed to reprimand you for doing so. I understand that there are medical reasons (some life threatening) that women take it. However, I wish to inform you of the truths that many doctors fail to tell you when they prescribe this pill that is supposed to solve all of your problems. Let me start off by saying that you and your femininity are absolutely beautiful. Do not let anyone tell you anything differently. Believe it or not, your fertility and those pesky hormones are what make you a woman.

Here are ten truths about the pill that most people don’t know before they take it.

1)   Increased risk of cancer

There have been many articles written about how the pill is said to decrease chances of ovarian cancer. However, in a study done by the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology in 2004, “Women who are on the pill have an increased chance of getting breast, cervical and liver cancer. In another study done by the Cancer Epidemiology, Biomakers and Prevention center in California, “Women who regularly use the pill are 4.2 times more likely to get breast cancer.”

If this doesn’t make an impact on you, think about this. The number of cases of breast cancer has risen over 80% since the 1970s. Do you know what happened right before that? You guessed it, the birth control pill was approved in 1960.

2)   Origin of the Pill

      When Dr. Gregory Pincus originally introduced the pill, he started off the study by testing the birth control pill on men. The study showed that the birth control pill caused "testicular swelling on the men" so they stopped the study right away. Dr. Pincus then started testing the pill on women. During this study, three women died and yet they still continued. To this day, there are no oral contraceptives for men because it is “too risky”. This, ladies and gentlemen, is sexism at its finest.

3)   Bad Sex.

      Although not all girls are on the pill for sexual reasons, believe it or not, many girls actually are. We are meant to have sex—good sex. Actually not just good sex, we are made to have GREAT sex. Naturally, women are the horniest when they are ovulating.  However, the pill stops that ovulation which, in turn, stops the inherent, natural desire for sex. Ever heard of faking the big O? Yeah, this is why women are known for doing that—because of this stupid pill. We have to use pornography and sex toys to make sex more enjoyable when in fact our natural desire for sex is meant to be good enough.

             4) Manhood and Masculinity is attacked

      During ovulation, women are more attracted to guys with masculine features (i.e. broad shoulders, facial hair, muscles). Women who are on the pill don’t have “fertile days” which means they don’t have the same hormonal changes that cause them to be attracted to men of dissimilar genetic makeup (according to Dr. S. Craig Roberts). Women in this study reported to be less satisfied with men of similar genetic makeup then after sleeping with men of dissimilar genetic makeup. This non-satisfaction leads me to my next point.

5)   Increases the chance of divorce

Although the pill isn’t directly correlated to the increase of divorce, studies show that couples that use NFP (Natural Family Planning), as opposed to artificial contraceptives, have less than 0.2% divorce rate. Compare this number to scary (and rising) national divorce rate of 50%.

6) The Symptoms

            Many women (and girls) who go on the pill are most concerned with the most common side effect—weight gain. Ladies, the doctors will tell you that weight gain, some spotting, and bigger boobs are the only side effects of the pill but I’m sorry to tell you that they are absolutely wrong. Those are some of the most common side effects, but in reality, a lot of other sh** happens to your body without you even knowing. I had two friends within two weeks of each other get rushed to the ER because they had a blood clot that was caused by their birth control.  There are so many lawsuits out there that are suing various birth control brands because they caused blood clots, strokes, heart attacks, and even death. You tell me, is a clear, acne-free face or cramp-less period worth your life? I don’t think so.

7) Objectifies women

            Ladies, you don’t deserve to put your beautiful body through the burden of having to live with being a slave to this medication. Yes, maybe you take it for medical reasons, but there are actually pretty natural ways to regulate your period, clear your acne, and make cramps more bearable. Our culture says to women, “Your fertility is a problem and the way to solve that is to change your life and schedule to become enslaved to this pill, ring, shots, patches,” or whatever it may be. You are not a burden. Your fertility, hormones, mood changes and all, are what make you a woman. Embrace that!

8) It makes you LESS ATTRACTIVE to men

            We are in the time of our lives that everyone around us either is looking for a significant other or is getting one. Relationships and your attractiveness to the opposite sex are in the forefront of everyone’s minds. So why would we take a pill influence our attractiveness and ability to find a life-long mate? Lionel Tiger (and colleagues) did a study where they put one male monkey on an island with six other female monkeys. The male monkey picked out three female monkeys who were his primary sex partners. Tiger then injected the female monkeys with contraceptives and the male monkey stopped having sex with them. The male monkey then went on to have sex with the female monkeys that weren’t on the contraceptive. This study shows that women who aren’t on contraceptives are more attractive to men.

9) Changes who you’re attracted to

            Pheromones are the odorless, colorless chemical that attracts people to one another. Women give off the most pheromones when they are ovulating, which makes them the most attractive during this time. However, since the pill releases crazy amounts of artificial hormones, the pheromones that the women are attracted to change when they stop taking the pill. It goes back to the point I made in reason #4—it makes you less attracted to masculine men and in turn your pheromones make you attracted to a less suitable partner. (No thank you.)

10) It’s harmful to the environment.

            Finally, if none of these reasons sway you to think twice before you pop that pill that is supposed to solve all of your problems, give the environment a break. There are so many people that are concerned with recycling and doing so much to help the earth, yet they are doing harm to themselves AND the environment when they are taking this artificial pill. The pill emits 30-50 mcg of estrogen in one dose. Every woman that takes it ends up going to the bathroom, and in turn this water eventually makes its way to water reservoirs and the fish actually take in the estrogen that is in the water. EE2, which is the active ingredient in most birth control pills, creates an “intersex” among fish. Which basically means makes male fish, male/female fish. That’s gross. Let’s be nice to our environment and let male fish be male fish.

           

Ladies and gentlemen, (but mostly just ladies):  you are worth more then putting your body through all of this artificialness. Your body was made in a way that is perfect just the way it is and there’s no reason for you to have to change it. Do yourselves a favor and research (holistically) what your doctors are prescribing and what you are putting into your body. Believe me, the pill is not the end all be all to your problems and to your life.

simplicity.

Woah. These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness--from living out of a suitcase, to being in Lincoln for only 12 hours before driving down to Texas, to sleeping on an air mattress and the craziness continues. Here's my brief overview of what's been going on the last few weeks!


On Sunday afternoon, I got back from my amazing NYC study tour (see previous post). I got back only to shower, do laundry, get a good night's sleep, pack up my car and venture down to Texas with Daddio. The 10 hour drive went by fairly fast and we got down to Fort Worth in good time on Monday night. I temporarily moved into a house with some girls from TCU for the week and spent Tuesday roaming around Fort Worth with Dad. We drove around to get a feel for the town a little bit and after a much too quick visit, he headed out to Dallas to catch an early morning flight.

The first week of work I got to go to Dallas Market which is a huge building in Dallas that has hundreds of showrooms showcasing different brands and clothing lines for buyers to come shop around in. Although it was kind of a slow market, I got to really understand the brand and the product and talk to buyers about why I'm in love with the jeans. After work, I got to hang out with some of the girls that I was living with and had so much fun. College bars down here are actually super different then the "downtown" I know of (no 'Rail' in sight....thank the Lord.) There's live music, space to actually talk to people (what?!) and a ton of really great people in general.

Here is where the title of this blog comes into play. Since I've been down here, for less than two weeks, I've already learned quite a lot. The biggest thing I've learned is the lesson of simplicity. Before I came down here, I honestly didn't really know what I was getting myself into. Heck, I didn't have a place to live for a week until about three days before I was actually here. And when I did get down here, I quickly realized that I didn't know anyone. Nor am I outgoing enough to go out and meet people--I'd rather just go read by myself at a coffee shop. However, I've come to realize that you don't need to know what's going to happen every minute of every day. You don't necessarily have to be in control of everything because the Man who created you and who loves you beyond comprehension will take care of you. As I was skyping with one of my best friends back home, I came to the realization that there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Being down here in Texas with no family and none of my closest friends means I'm pretty much alone, doing my own thing. However, 'lonely' is one of the farthest things away from what I am. I'm not lonely at all, even though in essence I should be. But knowing that I'm living out God's will for my life at this very moment makes me so content with where I'm at and with what I'm doing.

I have no idea where I'm going to be in a year from now, but the simple answer is that I don't need to know. He knows. And that's all that truly matters. So my prayer tonight is a thanksgiving prayer, for all of the support from my parents, my sister and brother in-law, my amazing friends and all the other people in my life who have supported all of my crazy goings-on. I am truly blessed by all of the people in my life and by a God who unceasingly loves me. I cannot wait to see what this summer entails and to learn all of the lessons it may bring.


Remember, life is really quite simple.

NYC trip (in a nutshell)

Hudson River Boat Tour 

Being a fashion design major, your one real dream is to go to New York City. NYC is where it all happens, from fashion week to major corporate headquarters; it’s the city where dreams come true. Caitlin Larwood, editorial director at makeup.com, told us that, “Dream jobs happen in this city.” Hearing that come from someone who has worked in the city for about five years and has an incredible job makes the reality of it hit home. We were going to a city where the most important events in fashion happen and I was more then ready for it.

After getting advice from some friends who have lived and worked in New York, I was ready to pack up my suitcase and get on the plane. Once we arrived, we were bused to our hotel that seemed as though it was right out of a movie. That night we did a little walking tour around the city and got to see the famous Bergdorf Goodman window displays. 

Bergdorf Goodman's Fifth Avenue Window Display

As I was walking down Fifth Avenue, I felt channeled by my inner Audrey Hepburn and now fully understood why she went and had breakfast at Tiffany’s every morning. To see this beautiful hunk of rock. 

178.54 carat Yellow Tiffany's Diamond: only worn by 2 women ever. 

A few of my favorite places that we visited were Armani, Ann Taylor, the Doneger Group and L’Oreal. When we walked into the Giorgio Armani offices, it felt like we passed through the doors to a different world.

Giorgio Armani Offices overlooking Highline Park 

Mind you, they were still doing some unpacking from moving offices, but we had entered into the Armani World. All of the people we met were in all black or all white and-oh my- they were chic. As they talked about the company, you could see the passion they had for Armani oozing out of their words. They spoke so highly about Mr. Armani and held the standards that he has set for the company so high in their own careers. It was inspiring to see people so passionate about their jobs and the company that they work for. This was evident at Ann Taylor too, however the professionals that we got to speak with here were more willing to share about their career experiences and about what they liked and didn’t like about the industry. The Doneger Group was a unique experience because it was a part of the industry that no one really knows that much about. Hannah Kimberly gave us an overview of what will be trending in Fall 2015 including colors, fabrics, shapes, etc.

Color samples at The Doneger Group

This was a very research heavy job—however very rewarding and useful to the entire industry. Finally, we went to L’Oreal where we met with the Social Media Marketing team and heard how a company keeps up with the ever-changing world of social media.

In our free time when we weren’t going to meetings, we got to go to the Met Museum (which allowed me to let out my inner Art History nerd)

Oh, just being Blair Waldorf outside the steps of the Met. 

Claude Monet, enough said. 

as well as an interesting trip on the subway to Coney Island to watch the Creighton Baseball team play in the Big East tournament (that ended up getting rained out.) 

Go Bluejays! 

 Two of ten Creighton fans....

The aftermath. 

Note: Don’t be in Brooklyn past midnight if you are four twenty-something women and don’t go past the aquarium (advice from the bartender from Iowa.) We also got to see the incredibly glamorous and hilarious Broadway show—Kinky Boots. I’m still singing along to the lyrics and wanting a pair of my own kinky boots.

Outside the Kinky Boots theatre! 

All in all, I cannot wait to go back to this wonderful city—the smells (bad and good), the chaos of cabs, the ever-moving streets full of people who don’t know you and frankly don’t really care to, and the not-so-glamorous however incredibly magical hot dog stands. I’m open to wherever life takes me, however I hope that someday I will end up back in the city where “dream jobs happen.”

Ohhh Fleet week. 

Manhattan's Elite outside the Lincoln Center Ballet theatre

The inevitable "first cab ride/roomie pic" 

Hotel overlooking Times Square

Marc Jacobs photo booth

"But first, let's take a selfie" (because we were just late to Armani.)