Basically Ross meets this woman from England who is in America visiting for work or something--I'm obviously not part of the fan club. Long story short, after only 6 weeks, yes you read that correctly, Ross proposes to Emily so that she can stay in America. He keeps telling her how much he loves her and he says these four words that are so redundant "It just feels right." Meanwhile, to get back at Ross, Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) asks her male friend whom she has gone on four dates with--yes four--if he will marry her because to her "It just feels right." Needless to say, neither one works out.
This being said, I think we can all agree that both of these scenarios are irrational and unreasonable. I know it's in a tv show and that apparently doesn't happen in real life but I beg to differ. Many, many times we think our feelings are what is right and if you're like me, you're really good at feeling. Feeling happy comes pretty easy because of all the blessings around me, feeling sad doesn't come as often but it is definitely there. We've all felt lonely, anxious, overwhelmed, ecstatic, confused and loved. Feelings are something that we all have in common.
Most of the time, however, we give our feelings way too much attention and/or credit for what is happening in our lives (and especially in our spiritual lives). I've heard so many people say after a first date, "I just wasn't really feeling it," or "It just felt right." Whether we think about it or not, almost all of our decisions are based off of how that decision will make us feel. We all strive to feel happy and our choices are based off of that goal--to be happy. But putting this much emphasis on feeling leaves little room for rationality.
Let me tell you a little story.
This past summer I was living in Texas doing an internship. I had the time of my life, but before I went down there I had no idea what it was going to be like. I didn't know where there was going to be a Catholic Church or if I was even going to have any friends at all down there. Long story short, I got down to Texas and found an amazing Catholic church that was only three minutes away from my house--God wink #1. I started going to mass there during the week and every Sunday and saw that they were starting a young adult bible study on Monday nights--God wink #2. As you can probably tell, although I wasn't in Nebraska anymore, I could feel and see God everywhere. He just knew that I needed to rely on and feel Him while I was away from home and the Holy Spirit was so vivid in my life.
Fast forward to the beginning of the school year, I was so excited to come back and finish my last year of college strong. I was living in an awesome house with some amazing women and I couldn't wait to see what the year had in store. Slowly but surely, my priorities started becoming more skewed and daily mass and my spiritual life weren't getting a ton of attention. However when I did go and pray or go to mass it was radically different than when I was in Texas. I didn't feel anything. Literally I couldn't hear God at all, I didn't feel happy or peaceful or joyful or anything. It wasn't anything like how I had felt for the past three months in my spiritual life and I had no idea what I did wor what was going on. I understood that I was going through desolation and I knew/know what that means but I never truly had experienced it before. Many, many saints have gone through severe desolation including Mother Teresa who was said to have gone through it for the last 40 years of her life. For those of you who don't know what it is, desolation is basically spiritual dryness. CS Lewis describes it as "the dark night of the soul." That's pretty dramatic but hey, it's CS Lewis.
As time went on, I thought it would wear off and I would start to feel God more in my prayer life. However even after accepting a job as a FOCUS missionary, it still wasn't there. Nothing. And I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was seeing a spiritual director, I was going to mass and reading my bible, all the things I was "supposed" to do. And still nothing. So like any person would do (or maybe it was just me) I couldn't take it anymore and took it into my own hands. That's when sin majorly came in and slowly started taking over. It was wrapped in excuses like "I only have one semester of college left" or "Everyone else is doing way worse than me" and the devil had me wrapped around his little fiery finger. And slowly but surely, I started falling into this self-pity and disastrous mindset of not feeling worthy of even going into a church and receiving Christ in the Eucharist because how could I do this to Him after all He has done for me. I was a missionary, dammit, I was supposed to have this figured out. But I didn't. And I was actually failing miserably.
Good Friday this year was one of the hardest ever because I fell so much more deeply into this feeling of unworthiness and guilt. I was focusing all the attention on what I had done and the guilt I was feeling rather than focusing on the glory of the cross and what He did to heal my unworthiness.
And finally I walked into church, sat down, and said these words, "Lord, I am not worthy to sit in front of you right now. You know everything and I don't understand how You still unconditionally love me even after all of the times I've turned my back on You and rejected You. But here I am. And even thought I don't feel worthy, You have to show me my worth. YOU have to show me my dignity because right now I can't feel it."
As I sat there, waiting for Him to overpower me and speak to me, I got nothing.
Silence.
So I walked out, got in my car, and started driving. No music, no tears, a little bit of anger, and a lot of confusion and doubt. I started talking myself through it out loud and all of the sudden I started talking in a voice that wasn't my own. And these were His words, to not only myself, but everyone out there going through this:
"You're right, Hannah, you are not worthy. On our own human terms, your human definition of love says that you are not worthy and that is why you don't feel worthy. But your worth and dignity don't come from your human definition of them--they come from Mine. You aren't worthy because you feel worthy. You aren't loved because you feel loved and you aren't precious because you feel precious. You weren't called to be a missionary because you felt like it. You are worthy, loved, precious and called because I made you and because I died on My cross to prove that worth to you. Feelings will pass, my dear Hannah, they will come and they will go. But My Love for you is not going away whether you feel it or not. And tell the world this, that when they don't feel me, when they can't see or feel my love for them, tell them it is there. It's in the wind, it's in the passing smile of a stranger or the kind words of a friend. That's My Love when they can't see or feel Me. It's always there, always has been there, and always will be."
Just because you feel something, or in my case don't feel something, doesn't always mean that it's true. My worth (and yours) doesn't come from whether you feel worthy or not. It comes from Him, who died to give you that worth and prove His love to you.
As Steven Curtis Chapman says in his song, "Put it all in the hands of the Father, give it all over to the only one who can turn it into something beautiful."
As Steven Curtis Chapman says in his song, "Put it all in the hands of the Father, give it all over to the only one who can turn it into something beautiful."
Let Him love you. Let Him make you beautiful.
