To experience emptiness, as described in my post entitled "feeling worthy doesn't make you worthy," may be one of the most devastating, encroaching feelings in the world. Last year at this time that is what I was--I was empty and searching. By some figment of my imagination, I thought that I could "do" something about this loneliness I was experiencing. However, by the grace of God, I am human and there is nothing I could say or do nor any amount of prayer that could give me the power to fill myself up. Yet, there was one thing I could do and it was to say 'yes'. I could say yes to God and to whatever He was asking of me--even if it seemed like it would leave me more empty.
Yes, God, I will be a missionary.
Yes, I will give up dating for a year and try to turn my heart more fully to You.
Yes, I will forgive myself as You have forgiven me.
Yes, I will move to Illinois.
Yes, I will leave the comfort of my family and friends.
Yes, I will spend my time spreading Your Gospel of love and light amidst the culture of darkness.
And every time I felt like each of these things was taking something away and was going to leave me with nothing, it did the exact opposite. It left me more full, fuller than I have ever been. And let me tell you this, I have searched for this in a lot of places and not once could I have fathomed this life. A life that is full of authentic happiness, lasting peace, true contentment and virtuous love and relationships.
I have learned that Christ doesn't want to give Him everything and then leave us with nothing. He wants to take the little we can give and multiply it one-hundred-fold. After seeing the Mother Teresa movie, The Letters, she says, "I am just a pencil in God's Divine Hand," she goes on to say that He uses her nothingness to glorify Him.
In 2015,
I graduated from college,
I became a FOCUS missionary,
I moved to Champaign, Illinois,
I got to see Pope Francis,
And three of my best friends got engaged.
I have also had the privilege of meeting a countless number of people who have exhibited Christ's love for me on this earth. To say it has been a good year would be an understatement. I am filled to the brim with grace and happiness. Christ has taken my small and insignificant 'yes's' and has transformed them into His most glorious plan. Through His Divine Mercy, may He always use my nothingness to glorify His Heavenly Kingdom here on earth.
stay.beautiful,
hms
