the night before life goes on.

Two years ago tonight, I sat outside my house in the car of my best friend. It was the night before our graduation from high school and at that moment, life was changing. I knew when I woke up the next day that I would have no control over what happened. I would walk the stage, receive my diploma, and be done with the place where I had established myself for four years. I was known by many of my peers and I was in a place that was my comfort zone. When I walked across that stage, all of that would be gone and all that remained were the memories and stories.

As we sat in the car, we assured each other that whatever was supposed to happen in our lives would. We knew that it wasn't what we had planned, or what we expected. But that whatever did happen, would be okay. In that moment, I just couldn't believe that. The only thing I saw was what I was losing; the reputation, the status, the relationship, the comfort, the friends. I didn't trust that everything would work out. All I wanted was what I thought my life was going to be like. I wanted my plan and my dreams. However, sitting in the car that night was when I realized that no matter how much I wanted my plan and my dreams to work out that they wouldn't. They wouldn't work out because they weren't His plans and His dream for me.

I look back on that night and all I remember is crying my eyes out and just wanting time to stop. For a moment, I just wanted to not worry about what was coming next and cherish what I knew was passing from my grip. The comfort, the reputation, the status, the relationship-- all of it was what I was holding onto and for just a minute longer I wanted to still have control over it. And maybe if I didn't move, life would just stay still and not move on without me.





Two years later, I'm sitting on my front porch looking at the spot we were sitting. I still feel the sting in my chest of the sadness I felt, however I'm smiling. I smile because I see not what I lost, but everything I have gained. I smile at the thought of having friends who are my rock and would do anything for me no matter what. Friends who I never, ever would've met if God hadn't closed doors in my life and lead me on His path. I smile at my parents who have given me the world and expect nothing in return. I smile at the love of my sister and brother-in-law and the happiness they radiate when they are together. I smile at the moon shining down on me telling me another amazing day has passed and that no matter what God's love is shining down on me. I smile at the inner peace that I have finally found and hope to never lose. I smile at the future, unknown to me yet I'm thankful for it already. I smile at the trials that I know I'm going to face, but with His strength I will overcome. And after all of that, I hear this quote radiating through my head:


When the world gives you 100 reasons to cry, show the world you have 1,000 reasons to smile. 








keep your head up. who knows where you'll be in two years.


stay.beautiful

a trickle effect

I think one thing we all need to work on a little more is trust. Whether that is trusting others or trusting God or even trusting ourselves, we all could trust a little better. People always talk about having "trust issues" or talking about being in a relationship where their trust was broken so now they can never trust anyone again. However, I think from the beginning of time there have been "trust issues" with everyone whose ever walked the Earth. Why do I think this? Well, we humans really like to plan our lives. We like to be in control of what happens, when it happens and how it happens. And when something goes wrong with our perfect little plan, everything comes crashing down. Well, maybe it doesn't all come crashing down but sometimes it feels like that. Big or small, significant or insignificant, if something happens that is out of our control, we lose a bit of trust in "the plan" and sometimes even ourselves. In my experience (unfortunately) I lost trust in God.

The fact of the matter is, we are human. Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, we forget the fact that we don't know everything. We don't even know or have control over what is going to happen five minutes from now. Seriously...think about that. Yet, we (I) get so caught up in 5 years from now and forget that in reality I have no control over what is going to happen then. Some people might disagree with this saying "you control your own destiny" which, eh, I don't really agree with. Heck, if I control my own destiny...I'm screwed. But (yes, there's a but) the amazing thing is, we don't have to try to plan our lives because HE already has a plan that we could never even fathom.

So where does the trickle effect come in? Tonight at mass, Fr. Holdren had the best homily to explain why it's so hard to trust God sometimes (is anyone surprised he had an awesome homily? you shouldn't be.) The first reading was Ezekiel 47: 1-9, 12. In short, is this: An angel brings Ezekiel to the temple and he sees water flowing to the altar. The angel took Ezekiel around the gate where he saw water trickling from the side of the gate. The angel took him multiple times and wanted him to walk through the water. It started at his ankles, then became knee-deep, then up to his waist, and finally a river in which he couldn't walk through.

At first I didn't really get it. He's walking through a river....okay, big deal. That river? Yeah, it represents God's grace. He is constantly pouring grace over us and flooding us with His love and strength but so often we turn a blind eye to it. We turn our eyes towards the plan we have for ourselves and worldly desires that we so often think will satisfy and fulfill us. (Note: it never works.) However, if/when you trust in God with your WHOLE heart, not just part or some of the time, He will never, ever disappoint you. Sometimes, it's scary...really scary. Let me be the first one to tell you how scary trusting God is. It's not easy; it's a constant and daily struggle. But it's worth it. 

Another thing Father said was that we don't always see the effects of God's plan right away. We may not see them for a few days, months, years even. But once you do, you'll know why everything had to happen. We always try to put a time limit on things in our lives. "I'll be over this in a few weeks," or "I think it'll happen at this time" but God doesn't work from our time schedule. He works from HIS.

Know that, as cliché as it sounds, everything really does happen for a reason. Sometimes we just see the first trickle of water (of God's plan) but when the whole river is revealed we won't believe our eyes, it'll be that amazing.



Let go, let God...and always,


stay.beautiful

the real fear.

Today marks the first day of the hardest, most rewarding seasons of the year; Lent. This has always been a time of the year where we give something up: pop, TV, candy, etc. However, this year I opted for something a little bit different and my have I already felt the sacrifice. Want to know what this crazy, extravagant, super hard sacrifice is??

Yep, you guessed it. Facebook.


I'm sure some of you just rolled your eyes or let out a "come on, it's not that hard." Because that's what I thought at first too. Right after I posted a status that got 30 likes and non stop texts saying how beautiful I looked for formal I thought,"It's only 40 days, can't be that bad." Then the time came to change my password and my heart started racing, literally. I'm not kidding. I was actually scared to give up my Facebook and Twitter for 40 days. Lame, huh?

After going a day without Facebook and still catching myself trying to look for the icon on my phone, I took a step back to think about why this is really affecting me this much. It's social media for pete's sake-- it's not life or death. However, after contemplating it I think I've come to some sort of conclusion and here it is.

Detachment. is. hard.

Really hard. And I guess I never really, actually detached myself before from this kind of security blanket. Facebook--in this situation-- is all of my fears, all of my insecurities, all of my masks to make sure everyone knows how great of a life I am having. It's constantly in their face and I can make myself out to be whomever I want them to think that I am. (Note: I'm not anyone different then who I am on my Facebook, that's not what I'm trying to say.) But when someone says they are trying to work on humility, this is definitely the way to do it. People won't know about what's going on in your life unless they interact with you and experience it with you. People won't be able to boost your ego by liking your pictures or statuses or retweeting your tweet that was stolen from song lyrics. This, my friends, is delaying gratification to a "T".

I thought that I had let go and given my hopes and dreams and desires up to God. I thought that I let go of my fears of the future, fears of being forgotten, fears of not ever being good enough. I thought all of that was behind me and that it had all gone away. Goes to show, it's a lot easier to think that you've let things go when you've actually just become really good at shoving them underneath your pillow.

The great thing is that the harder Lent is for you, the greater Easter will be. My amazing high school Guidance Counselor, Jan Frayser, once said to me, "You can't have the hope of the Resurrection without the struggle of the cross." Those words will never cease to bring a smile to my face. This cross and life we have right here, no matter what happens in it there will always be the hope of the Resurrection. So although I have a lot of detachments to rid myself of during this next 40 days, I have so much hope that God will overwhelm my heart with His love and blow my mind like He always seems to do.

"Whoever wishes to be my follower must deny his very self, take up his cross, and follow in my steps."
Lk 9:23


Go count your blessings, never give up hope, and always


stay.beautiful

to infinity and beyond.

Think back to the old Disney movies we watched as kids and grew up with. If you watch them today, you will probably understand them better and grow to love them even more than you once did. There are so many lessons in these movies, not only for children but for adults as well. One saying that I think we've all heard many times but looked over is from the very famous toy, Buzz Lightyear. He said, "To infinity and beyond." Now that I think back on it, I don't even know what he was talking about. But my sister and I were thinking about getting tattoos of this, one would say "to infinity" and the other "and beyond." For some reason, the "and beyond" part always stuck out to me. Here's why.

For the past couple years, my internal struggle has always been just being satisfied in life. In everything I do, whether it be school, fashion, my faith, or anything really I feel like I could've done something more. I feel like I could've been better at it if only I would've done this or that. Being satisfied with myself and others has always been something that I'm constantly struggling with. My main focus now though, is trying to be satisfied with Jesus. And saying that sounds so stupid and ridiculous but for some reason I just feel like my heart is constantly searching for something more, something better than what I have. I'm constantly worrying, thinking, waiting for something better. Even while I sit in church in front of Him, I feel like I'm not worth of Him and not worthy of all the amazing, countless blessings in my life.

I then read the quote from St. Augustine (if you haven't read about this guy, do it!) that said, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Him." That's exactly what my heart is, restless. It can't seem to find a place to simply be. I'm constantly searching for whose the one that's going to make me feel satisfied and I think that's my first problem, no I know that's the problem. Waiting for a guy to be your savior is just asking for trouble. We women have so much to offer and so many times women (including myself) we think we need a guy to fulfill us, to complete us. Maybe I'm the only one, and I'm totally okay admitting that because I know that I'm wrong and I know that it's a struggle. But like Crystallina Evert writes in her book Captivating, "In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our striving." When a woman is trying to be beautiful and trying to act like she's happy without actually being so, she's transparent. People, especially guys, see right through that.


So back to my point.


I was recently talking to a very good friend of mine and I told him, "John, I'm just over this life. I'm so ready for the next one without all this petty drama and worrying." It's so beyond amazing to sit down and think about what we have to come. We honestly have no idea what our rewards are going to be in Heaven and I can not wait for that. Yeah, this life, love, all that is amazing and so exciting. But it's not what is going to save us. Our spouses, friends, families, they are here for us to help us glorify God better and get us to Heaven. Live this life glorifying God with all you do. I promise, you won't regret it.



To infinity, and beyond.

So much more beyond.


Eat, pray, love, and always


stay.beautiful

what letting go means....

I found this and thought I would share, it's a very important lesson:


To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness which means, the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for another, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes. But to allow other to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective. It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept. 
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment. 
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to become the best I can be.
to let go is not to regret the bast, but to grow and live for the future.


To let go is to fear less, trust in God more, and freely give the love He's given to me. 

and the world spins madly on...

Sometimes, life amazes me. Actually, most of the time it does. While driving home tonight from a super duper long day of work, I looked at the moon (full moon). For some reason, the moon has always fascinated me. No matter where you are in the ENTIRE world, you can see it shining. No matter what direction you are going, no matter where you are in the world whether it be Australia or Lincoln, NE it's always there. I can't help but relate it to God's love. I know, super cliche, but hear me out. Some people think that it's so hard to find happiness in the dark times of their lives. I'm not saying that it's easy because it isn't always easy, but God (or the moon ;] ) is always there. God's love for us isn't something that just comes around when life is going good, it's there when we don't even give Him the time of day. Or when we think we are "too busy" to pray, or even think about Him. The moon will still be shining on us, and He will still be pouring out His love to us.

Now on to the title of this blog. I came across a song a few days ago, called The World Spins Madly On... and I can't stop listening to it. It's one of those songs that is kind of sad if you look up and listen to the lyrics. But for me, it's a positive thing. No matter what you do, no matter how sad you are about something, whether you let go of what's bothering you or let it eat away at you until you are nothing- the world spins madly on. Yeah, sure you can easily get caught up in what you don't have. You can cry all night about something that you've lost or wasn't really ever there at all, yet (you guessed it!) the world spins madly on.

The wonderful Fr. Holdren said to me recently, "Instead of nurturing the sorrows in life, nurture gratitude. When you get caught up in thinking about being sad about this or that and letting it spiral out of control, think of all the things you are grateful for." And the list of all the things I am thankful for is endless. Though it is so easy to get caught up in the negative things in life, the little things that make you want to give up, remember all the reasons you have to keep going. I read once, "When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1,000 reasons to smile." I've said that quote on here before and I repeat it because it's so good.



Keep being you, whoever that is. And never, ever let anyone change that.


Travel the world, take a jog, and always

stay.beautiful









for your viewing pleasure, here's the song :)

this guy.

never ceases to amaze me with his words.