Being Stripped.

A couple of nights ago, I had the unique but awesome opportunity to Skype with two of my fellow missionaries (and sisters in Christ). Anna, who is a first year serving at Mizzou, and Lauren, who is a fellow Thunderbolt and first year serving at Pittsburgh. It was so great to catch up with them and to just take a deep breath and be able to laugh and just be with friends who fully understand first year missionary life.

As we were catching each other up on how team life is going, the amazing girls we get the privilege to work with and what is going on at our campuses, we all paused. We were all thinking the same thing, "So how is it really going?" Although all of the previous things we mentioned were true, we all knew there was more to be said. Then Lauren dropped a truth bomb. She said, "Some days I wonder what it would be like to have a normal job. To come home after you've put in your day's work and just check out on the couch. I wonder what it would be like to actually feel like I've accomplished something or to be able to check off one thing on my ten-page long to-do list.

But that's not what we signed up for. 

We signed up to be a part of a mission (or rather a Commission) that never ends. We signed up for a "job" that isn't a job, it is a life. We signed up to give up normality. We signed up to leave the comfort of our homes, a state we so dearly love and friends we've grown so close with to serve on a campus where we are literally no one. No one knows we were the president of this or that. No one knows we were homecoming royalty. No one knows who we dated or what sorority we were in and frankly, I don't think anyone really cares. Anything and everything we ever identified ourselves with that wasn't Our Lord Jesus Christ was stripped away from us the day we got the title "missionary for Christ."

Being a missionary means being stripped, similar to the way Christ was stripped during His Passion. Everything was taken away besides the very essence of His Being. We are being stripped of the comforts of the world. We are stripped of our identity in anything other than who we are at our core. We are stripped of all the ways we've ever thought the world could satisfy us--then we are left weak. Standing at the foot of the cross, at the foot altar, in front of the Eucharist crying out, "Lord, I can't do this anymore."

And that is exactly where He wants us. 

He's been waiting for you to just ask Him for His help all along. 

"For my power is made perfect in weakness." 

                                     2 Corinthians 12:9

He wants so badly to build us up into this incredible palace of His love. But usually it takes so long for us to get down on our knees and admit our weakness. Missionary life is not a normal one, that's for sure. Is it rewarding? You wouldn't even believe the small rewards I receive on a daily basis. Is it worth it? No doubt about it. We are all on this earth to become saints and help the people around us become saints. Every day we have the chance to take one step closer to sainthood. What are you doing today to become a saint? What are you doing to help the person next to you become a saint?

stay beautiful my friends. 

hms.

All who are thirsty.

Hello blog world!

I'm so excited to get to update you on the goings on in my life in Chambana (Champaign-Urbana) and share all the amazing ways God is and has been working in the past few months. Let's get started!

This summer I was so blessed to have gotten to spend the summer amongst 500 missionaries in Ave Maria, Florida. I had no idea what to expect even though I had heard about summer training from a multitude of missionaries before. Little did I know, it was going to be a grace-filled 5 weeks getting to grow in love with some absolutely incredible people who taught me something new about how Christ Himself loves us. Whether it was spending the day at the beach laughing, sitting in an auditorium sipping subpar coffee (that's an understatement), or smoking a cigar while talking about what true femininity and masculinity is with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I was amidst our generation of saints and martyrs this summer and I was so honored to be chosen to serve Christ and His Church with a team of soldiers who are so ready and willing to die for this mission. If that doesn't give you goosebumps then you're crazy.

On the fourth of July, I got to come home to my family for about a month and spend time with them before I left for my placement. It made me realize how grateful I am for my family and friends who will always be there to support me and love me in wherever it is that God calls me.

At the beginning of August, me and my parents packed up my jeep and the truck and headed east to Illinois. After 8 hours in the car, we arrived in Champaign-Urbana-- my new home. Little did I know how well I would adjust to the town. The University of Illinois covers two towns; Champaign is the more college-town-esque city that has an awesome downtown area comparable to the Railyard in Lincoln and Urbana (where I live) is the more hipster town that has an awesome farmer's market every Saturday and is filled with co-ops and beautiful parks.

This is me after the Farmer's market with cold press coffee, essential oils and a hand-painted card.

Before students moved in, we got to know the staff at St. John's Catholic Newman Center. There are four chaplains (Fr. Luke, Fr. Jim, Fr. Bill and Fr. Dan) and each of them brings a different personality and blessing to the church. Along with the four priests, we also have four sisters that work directly with the students and staff. I'm so blessed to have all of these men and women of God surrounding me and teaching me more about living the Catholic faith and living out my relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Move In day shenanigans with Fr. Bill and some RAs (doing the macarena)

Students finally came on August 15 and Fall Outreach was in full swing. Fall Outreach is basically just the first part of the semester where we hold events almost every day/weekend to meet students and form a relationship with them in order to lead them to a deeper relationship with Christ and encounter Him through our friendship and through bible study. It was so cool to see how the Holy Spirit was working through all of these encounters and leading us to people who we needed to meet.  God was definitely present and gave us the strength to persevere through our human exhaustion to be present with these students. 

The reason I titled this post "all who are thirsty" goes along with a bible verse that followed me around this summer--the Woman at the Well (John 4). At training, I was reflecting on this passage a lot and I'd like to share my reflections on it with you all. 

In short, this passage is about a woman who is going about her daily life (getting water from the well) and encounters Christ and in turn goes and tells her entire town about Him and many of them are converted. HOLY CRAP. It is so profound and I relate so much to this woman. Basically, she is just living her life--past wounds on her heart, her future in question, just doing what she knows how and what she needs to do. But Jesus "had to pass through Samaria" and he was there waiting for her even before she knew who He was. He asks her for a drink (one simple thing she could do for Him) and yet she questions Him. Her humanness is so apparent and so relatable. But she is longing to know who He is in a deeper way--she is coming to the well because she thirsts and she thought going to the well is what would quench that thirst. Jesus meets her where she is at, literally, and shows her that He desires to give her the Living Water. After this encounter, she can't help but drop her bucket and proclaim His name to her town and all the people around her. I've reflected a lot on this passage; seeing myself in this woman in many different ways and in many different stages in my life. But I think in a way we can all relate to this woman--especially students on a college campus. I feel so blessed to work with women who are seeking something greater than themselves and helping them have an encounter with Christ like this woman did which in turn allows them to drop their buckets- their burdens, past mistakes, future worries- and to proclaim Christ's name to everyone they meet. 

I'm so blessed to be able to be on this journey with so many amazing people and walk with women who never cease to inspire me. God is so good and continues to amaze me every day by the people He puts in my life and the encounters I have with students on campus. Although this crazy journey has just begun, I'm already so incredibly content with God's will and being a part of the Great Commission. 

Thank you for reading and know that I am praying for all of you. If you have specific intentions, please comment them below or email me at hannah.schinkel@focus.org. I have the great opportunity to spend time with Christ in front of the Blessed Sacrament every day and unite in His Suffering in the Mass daily so be assured your intentions will be prayed for! 

Stay Beautiful kids. 

hannah.marie

feeling worthy doesn't make you worthy.

A few days ago, I was watching an episode of Friends with my roommate. For any and all of you Friends fanatics out there, it was one of the first episodes of the infamous "Ross and Emily" era. For you non-Friends fanatics out there (myself included) I will set the scene for you.

Basically Ross meets this woman from England who is in America visiting for work or something--I'm obviously not part of the fan club. Long story short, after only 6 weeks, yes you read that correctly, Ross proposes to Emily so that she can stay in America. He keeps telling her how much he loves her and he says these four words that are so redundant "It just feels right." Meanwhile, to get back at Ross, Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) asks her male friend whom she has gone on four dates with--yes four--if he will marry her because to her "It just feels right." Needless to say, neither one works out. 

This being said, I think we can all agree that both of these scenarios are irrational and unreasonable. I know it's in a tv show and that apparently doesn't happen in real life but I beg to differ. Many, many times we think our feelings are what is right and if you're like me, you're really good at feeling. Feeling happy comes pretty easy because of all the blessings around me, feeling sad doesn't come as often but it is definitely there. We've all felt lonely, anxious, overwhelmed, ecstatic, confused and loved. Feelings are something that we all have in common.

Most of the time, however, we give our feelings way too much attention and/or credit for what is happening in our lives (and especially in our spiritual lives). I've heard so many people say after a first date, "I just wasn't really feeling it," or "It just felt right." Whether we think about it or not, almost all of our decisions are based off of how that decision will make us feel. We all strive to feel happy and our choices are based off of that goal--to be happy. But putting this much emphasis on feeling leaves little room for rationality.

Let me tell you a little story. 


This past summer I was living in Texas doing an internship. I had the time of my life, but before I went down there I had no idea what it was going to be like. I didn't know where there was going to be a Catholic Church or if I was even going to have any friends at all down there. Long story short, I got down to Texas and found an amazing Catholic church that was only three minutes away from my house--God wink #1. I started going to mass there during the week and every Sunday and saw that they were starting a young adult bible study on Monday nights--God wink #2. As you can probably tell, although I wasn't in Nebraska anymore, I could feel and see God everywhere. He just knew that I needed to rely on and feel Him while I was away from home and the Holy Spirit was so vivid in my life. 

Fast forward to the beginning of the school year, I was so excited to come back and finish my last year of college strong. I was living in an awesome house with some amazing women and I couldn't wait to see what the year had in store. Slowly but surely, my priorities started becoming more skewed and daily mass and my spiritual life weren't getting a ton of attention. However when I did go and pray or go to mass it was radically different than when I was in Texas. I didn't feel anything. Literally I couldn't hear God at all, I didn't feel happy or peaceful or joyful or anything. It wasn't anything like how I had felt for the past three months in my spiritual life and I had no idea what I did wor what was going on. I understood that I was going through desolation and I knew/know what that means but I never truly had experienced it before. Many, many saints have gone through severe desolation including Mother Teresa who was said to have gone through it for the last 40 years of her life. For those of you who don't know what it is, desolation is basically spiritual dryness. CS Lewis describes it as "the dark night of the soul." That's pretty dramatic but hey, it's CS Lewis. 

As time went on, I thought it would wear off and I would start to feel God more in my prayer life. However even after accepting a job as a FOCUS missionary, it still wasn't there. Nothing. And I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was seeing a spiritual director, I was going to mass and reading my bible, all the things I was "supposed" to do. And still nothing. So like any person would do (or maybe it was just me) I couldn't take it anymore and took it into my own hands. That's when sin majorly came in and slowly started taking over. It was wrapped in excuses like "I only have one semester of college left" or "Everyone else is doing way worse than me" and the devil had me wrapped around his little fiery finger. And slowly but surely, I started falling into this self-pity and disastrous mindset of not feeling worthy of even going into a church and receiving Christ in the Eucharist because how could I do this to Him after all He has done for me. I was a missionary, dammit, I was supposed to have this figured out. But I didn't. And I was actually failing miserably. 

Good Friday this year was one of the hardest ever because I fell so much more deeply into this feeling of unworthiness and guilt. I was focusing all the attention on what I had done and the guilt I was feeling rather than focusing on the glory of the cross and what He did to heal my unworthiness.  

And finally I walked into church, sat down, and said these words, "Lord, I am not worthy to sit in front of you right now. You know everything and I don't understand how You still unconditionally love me even after all of the times I've turned my back on You and rejected You. But here I am. And even thought I don't feel worthy, You have to show me my worth. YOU have to show me my dignity because right now I can't feel it." 

As I sat there, waiting for Him to overpower me and speak to me, I got nothing. 

Silence. 

So I walked out, got in my car, and started driving. No music, no tears, a little bit of anger, and a lot of confusion and doubt. I started talking myself through it out loud and all of the sudden I started talking in a voice that wasn't my own. And these were His words, to not only myself, but everyone out there going through this: 

"You're right, Hannah, you are not worthy. On our own human terms, your human definition of love says that you are not worthy and that is why you don't feel worthy. But your worth and dignity don't come from your human definition of them--they come from Mine. You aren't worthy because you feel worthy. You aren't loved because you feel loved and you aren't precious because you feel precious. You weren't called to be a missionary because you felt like it. You are worthy, loved, precious and called because I made you and because I died on My cross to prove that worth to you. Feelings will pass, my dear Hannah, they will come and they will go. But My Love for you is not going away whether you feel it or not. And tell the world this, that when they don't feel me, when they can't see or feel my love for them, tell them it is there. It's in the wind, it's in the passing smile of a stranger or the kind words of a friend. That's My Love when they can't see or feel Me. It's always there, always has been there, and always will be."  

Just because you feel something, or in my case don't feel something, doesn't always mean that it's true. My worth (and yours) doesn't come from whether you feel worthy or not. It comes from Him, who died to give you that worth and prove His love to you.

As Steven Curtis Chapman says in his song, "Put it all in the hands of the Father, give it all over to the only one who can turn it into something beautiful." 

Let Him love you. Let Him make you beautiful.